Grieving for the Baby that Wasn’t Meant to Be

“I’ll be here on June 6, 2001!”

I scrawled this shakily-written caption next to my belly on a photo to announce the birth of my first child. I handed it to my mother in law the minute we walked into their house; thrust it into her hands before we even hugged hello.

I was only six weeks pregnant but I thought keeping things a secret was a silly superstition. I couldn’t wait to share my good news.

At first my mother in law didn’t understand what I was showing her. She put it down on the counter, but I picked it back up and read it out loud. As soon as everyone understood that I was pregnant, we all started hugging and dancing around, celebrating the arrival of this child. Early June seemed like a perfect time to have a baby. I couldn’t wait to spend my maternity leave lounging in Central Park caressing those tiny little legs poking out of a cute little summer dress.

Two weeks later, the pregnancy ended with much less fanfare. Just a few rusty spots followed by a sonogram confirming the heart had stopped beating. Even after the D&C, I kept hoping that the baby was somehow amazingly still inside me, that the tests had been wrong, and the suction not been thorough. As my hormones came crashing down, I mourned the loss of my child.

Everyone reassured me that I would get pregnant again, that miscarriages are very common, that it was just my body’s way of taking care of an abnormal fetus. Their words didn’t ease my grief. I had felt a life in me, a quickening, until there was none. I walked around in the bright sunlight in a daze, going to work like a zombie, unable to accept that my baby had died.

A few months later I got pregnant again, and nine months later I gave birth to my first child. But every year, on June 6, I remember the child that never was, the child I lost.

Tonight’s Sunday Scribblings prompt is Lost. Head on over to see what others did with the prompt. And if you only have time to read one post, read this one by Granny Smith about the wonderful adventures of Jingle Bells the Bear – it’s not to be missed!

11 Responses to Grieving for the Baby that Wasn’t Meant to Be

  1. >One of the times I really felt that I had let my daughter down was when she phoned and told me she had had a miscarriage. Having borne all my children to their due dates, and knowing that she already had two children, it never occurred to me what she was feeling, that she wanted me to come to her, that this was the death of a her child. She told me later, and I am still ashamed of my thoughtlessness.

  2. >((hugs)) It is a difficult thing to go through! I know when I had my first one I woke up from the anestetia crying..all the emotions just came rushing out!

  3. >I have been there i lost my baby Collyn when i was 18 weeks pregnant and every feb 12th i mourn the lost it is a hard thing and i dont think people who havent gone through it really relize how painful it really is sorry for your lost and just like my baby your baby will never be forgotten

  4. >A year ago, a friend of mine and her husband also had a miscarriage and it as you have said remains with them as one of the most heartbreaking losses for they are still trying to conceive. How blessed your living child is to have you as a mom…..Thanks for sharing-teach

  5. >You ladies have me crying after reading your post and it is only Monday. I hope and pray that somehow you all can get through your lose and my heart goes out to each and everyone.

  6. >I’m so sorry about your loss. Even though it has been years I am sure it is difficult. I believe you will someday get to meet that baby.

  7. >It’s so hard to understand unless you have gone through this yourself. I have helped two different friends through the morning of a miscarriage. There are no words just tears.

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